And the Australians are all like ‘WTF mate’

“Have you seen cool infant jewelry lately that matches your tastes in modern decor and aesthetics?”

No, because that is the silliest thing I have ever read. But according to an article on Coochicoos.com, modern style jewellery for babies and toddlers is de rigeur.

What total bullshit. Okay, so I had one of those expandable silver bracelets as a baby, but I never actually wore it, because I was a child and therefore only interested in shiny things if they contained sweets. I didn’t give a crap if the kid in the pushchair in front of me had better bling than me.

Okay, so maybe a funky wooden/felt bracelet (from sustainable sources/handmade) would be quite groovy for a toddler (and chunky enough so they don’t shove it in their mouths) but I have seen silver baby bracelets for nearly $100/£50. Really, what is the point in that? Have money, will buy shit.

I honestly think some people see their children as accessories to dress and style as mini versions of themselves. Which is weird as hell.

Also, whole different kettle of fish with the whole ‘pierced kids’ thing. I understand that pierced ears on children (and by that I mean children not old enough to articulate that they want their ears pierced) is a cultural thing in certain areas, but I don’t think that makes it OK. I see so many snotty kids with their Mums at work, sporting awful giant gold hoops and crap.

Inevitably, those kids will have been pierced by some nearly braindead shop assistant using an unsterile piercing gun. For like £3 per ear.

If I ever have children, I would love for them to develop some interest in body modification like their mo and po. But, this won’t extend to forcing them to have their ears pierced as young children. If they start asking for it, I’d ask around proper piercing studios but most UK piercing studios won’t pierce the ears of anyone younger than 10/13, even with parental consent. Makes me wonder if I would then get some appropriately sized sterile needles, titanium labret studs and do it myself? (Or let them do it to each other?)

But I would probably get arrested on grounds of child abuse.

Oh, actually where I found that crap about baby jewellery was buzzfeed.com. They also have a brilliant section titled ‘Unprotected Sex’ which is essentially a collection of blog posts and news items about people who are unaware of condoms/pills/not having sex with everybody. Brilliantly enough, most of the articles at the minute are focused on Jamie Lynn Spears and her ‘baby daddy’, who got herself fantastically up ze duff at 16. I think I’m Bringing Blogging Back makes the vair amusant point of “If Britney completely loses her kids perhaps she call her kid sister to hook her up with some new ones, as Jamie Lynn Spears appears to be a baby making machine”.

Now, I’m a liberal type (normally people who say that then say ‘but you should demolish abortion clinics and shoot the doctors’, similar to the way people go, “I’m not racist but…” but trust me, I’m not going do that, it was just a good way to start the sentence…where was I?), so I’m no way suggesting that girls that whip off their knickers before they’ve sat their GCSEs should have their babies adopted and be shunned by society, but I wonder why no one is using contraception nowadays. 4lbs weight gain or an entire mountain of baby weight (and the bodily fluid ejecting baby, of course) because you didn’t take the pill? ‘it jus dun feel so gud’ or 8 kids just because you’re too lazy to open a condom packet?
Maybe Jamie Lynn Spears really wanted a child and planned this, but I doubt it.

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Filed under body modification, champion of loons, funny, other people, trinkets

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