Normally I wouldn’t do a negative post, but just like Paxman is a-ranting about lack of support for his trousers addendums from M&S pants, I feel I need to address an issue. Rubbish-looking shoes.

First of all, I really don’t like these:


I get the simplicity of them, but they look bad. Like PE-gear from provincial middle-England school circa 1978 (especially the white ones). PE kit reminds me of two things.

1. Embarassment at pleated gym skirts with navy blue PE knickers larger than some European countries

2.  The above, and hockey moves in winter, when my legs turned a fetching shade of tuna steak and boys were too close for that to have yieled anything positive.

 Oh and the phrase “lets see those muscles girls” yelled as encouragement by PE teachers during trampolining lessons.  Oddly enough, elastic-side canvas pumps I like quite a lot and own 3 pairs, from the spring/summer 2006 F-Troupe collection (two pairs of tartan and one toile de jouy)


Again, Topshop.

 In a similar vein, the flat brogue. Some wooden stack heel brogues in fetching colours can pass for their sheer sweetness, but not this patent ‘Raspbbery’ lunacy. Just because Agyness (???) Deyn wears them doesn’t mean anyone else should. She dresses like she is deliberately trying to be some crap 80’s/90’s pastiche with none of the lovable irony it should possess. If Topshop start manufacturing tie-dye luminous cycling shorts and selling them for £40 then I think I can safely say ‘I told you so’.

Anyway, back to crap footwear.


Office ‘espadrilles’

You know why these are £10 don’t you?  Firstly because they look like one of my origami experiments that I have bodged and screwed up then stitched to a piece of rope. Maybe they are and someone is rooting through my recycling. If so, I am a fashion pioneer and I apologise profusely. But I’m pretty sure the above is not the case. Secondly, because not even the most idiotic of fashion victims would wear these.

They are also a total waste of the earth’s natural materials.


Also Office.

Shoes like that are made for chav-types who can’t be arsed to dress properly.  If you don’t believe me I saw an very much out of shape young woman run with a pram yesterday. Unfortunately I was behind her and noticed that she was wearing no pants under a saggy-arsed pair of white trackie bottoms (ERLACK) and also that she was wearing a white pair of shoes similar to the ones above. That sir, is proof. She didn’t even bother to put knickers on! Its January and I’m refusing to leave the house without a pair of warm pants (my AA boy-pants are very thick and warm and awesome) and a pair of tights under my jeans. I suppose it is easy access for her, should she decide to repopulate the planet (again). Trousers off, shoes off, all is one easy knees-down, kick-feet motion.

 Oddly enough, 3 pairs of these footwear fiends are red. Red is one of my favourite colours, especially for shoes (I own a glittery pair of red Mary Jane heels made by veggie-friendly brand Bourgeois Boheme.) If you ever want to buy me shoes I like bright colours, mary janes, either high heels or flats (I don’t do in between), glittery, embroidery, ribbons, no oversize toe embellishments, no ‘tan’ coloured soles on flats, wooden heels and 20’s style dancing shoes. I also covet getting a pair of Victorian style knee high boots with ribbon laces but am yet to find a veggie pair. I’m a size 4 and have feet shaped a duck’s feet. Just so you know.


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