Category Archives: celluloid

Diary of a Douchebag.

Where to start with this blog post? It is essentially a few bits of me being either a total idiot or being screwed over by criminals…again.

I’ll start with the criminals. Hopefully by the time I have to explain my stupid-moment you’ll feel sympathy with me.

I log in to my Hotmail this morning to find a bunch of emails from paypal.com saying that my account had been suspended over suspicious activity. HERE WE GO AGAIN. I also have two receipts both for 12.50 Euro to a company called “Betamax GmbH & Co” (more about that later). Not to mention a bunch of emails from Skype (I’ve never signed up) to some geezer.

I unlocked my Paypal account and contacted the service team to ensure the payments won’t go through. I changed both my hotmail and paypal passwords. Now onto the Skype thing. I’ve emailed them with the titles and addresses of the emails I received and also the name and username of the person they were addressed to. I’m unlikely to find out the name of the guy who tried to steal my money (AGAIN) but if I do and its this prick on Skype, I’m reporting him to the police, no matter what country he’s in. Probably using a fake name though. Damn.

I also emailed Nationwide to alert them to this paypal thingy. I was getting bored of emailing support teams by now so imagine my infinite joy and elation when after changing my ebay password for security, my new and old passwords for ebay no longer work and neither does TWO password reset requests. ‘Dear Sir/Madam…’. CRIKEY.

Meanwhile, in this crapstorm that is 11th March, I received the camera I won off ebay. A used Nikon compact digital that I won for like £20. I tested it with no card and it seemed fine, so I grabbed my spare card to put in so I could upload shots to my PC to get a better look at the picture quality. The ebay listing said the camera accepted SD cards. Perfect, I have those. But the card wouldn’t go in, despite the grooves on the card and slot being aligned. Its a used/refurbished camera so I assumed things were a little stuff. I pushed it in till it clicked and then pushed it to make it pop out again like it says on the case. Nothing. I looked at my other camera card and they are Fuji XD cards! ARRGHGHH. So now I have the card firmly jammed in there and no way of getting it out. Because I’m a total pratjob. 4 hours slogging it at work and for nothing.

Okay, so we’ve established I have a brain full of crap. More about out friends at Betamax GmbH & Co. From what I can gather from google searches they are a German telecommunications company (supposedly) doing a similar thing to Skype on tens of different domain names like Voip (the word ‘voip’ just reminds me of Teen Gurl Squad).

It seems that lots of people have been affected by this sort of thing (some for thousands of dollars, so I got off lightly, especially with the transaction being suspended…if it stays that way) . It even seems like the company themselves are victims of fraud, but due to their rubbish support and closed-off attitude, anything is possible.

Yesterday I did my first bit of modelling for my pal’s fashion project and the photographer nearly broke my spine trying to get me to manoeuvre myself into all sorts of bizarre arty poses. I also went to see Diary of the Dead and have no idea what to make of it as it was pretty rubbish, but some of the gore was cool. I think I would have preferred to see some more of the lo-fi ‘internet footage’ in the film though. Elliot was cute and they needed to keep the Deaf Amish Samuel dude in for much longer

Did a charity quiz with work on Friday and our team of younguns did so badly that we, the mighty FROZEN PEAS got prizes. My Dad’s team won, so winning Dad, losing daughter.

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“Hey man, thats a swede swede you’re swedings”

The big news today aka OMG I NEARLY DIED. Not.

Yep, Market Rasen is roughly 10-15 miles from Lincoln (as the crow flies).  It was fun, in a completely weird way. Woke up to the house shaking and all these weird creaky noises and bright lights and my first thought was that the military had blockaded the council estate near us Shameless/28 Days Later style. Mum was at work on a night shift and after the rumbling stopped, Dad came into my room and we had a look outside and concluded it was ‘tremors’. In fact, I was more bothered about more stuff happening as there is a bloody big birch tree right outside my window.

Feel free to shoot me down here, but GMTV’s wildly hysterical coverage of the earthquake was unbelivable. They seemed to phone interview randoms about nothing in particular. “I LIVE IN WATFORD/MANCHESTER/BIRMINGHAM BLAH BLAH BLAH AND MY TELLY FELL OFF THE WALL!!!” No it didn’t, don’t make rubbish up to get on the telly and talk with the quite frankly vacant and perpetually irritating Fiona Phillips. I live in Lincoln and all my precariously balanced crap in my room (inc. TV on rubbishy stand) stayed put. I call bull.

Fun stuff:

Brass bird ring, approx £20

That be mine! I’m rubbish at keeping rings so fingers crossed I keep this one (I might just weld it to my hand) . The listing is for an S, but the artist is shortening it for me to a K. I have a thing for bird motifs at the mo, I blame my ‘rents and all of their bird books.

Actually, talking of rings, this is a post from Modblog a week or so ago that could solve my losing rings problem:

 

Unlikely But True: Finger Ring Piercing – Modblog

I mean, I’m obviously far too OCD regarding germs to ever do that, but its pretty neat that she’s healed a very difficult piercing and kept it looking swanky.

Oh, and Be Kind Rewing was vair vair good. Taps in to all those childhood games of pretending you’re on telly (which is actually just a big old box with a hole in it) or trying to be allowed to play with the camcorder (never happened).

As you’ve seen from the trailer, the remake films are ‘sweded’ versions. This made me laugh like the drain because when some Swedish exchange student that our mates were paired with came to our school, we took to changing all adjectives and nouns to ‘swede’ (see title of post). It was infinitely hilarious to us and the (actual) Swedes.

Swede. 

 

 

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You know, the cute one…with polio.

I saw Juno last night I thought it was top (insightful reviews from me, as per usual). It did give me a weird dream though and although Adam Bloom says that as humans we do not have the vocabulary to make talking about dreams interesting, I’m just going to outline it here:

I was on the Yorkshire coast in a house with a bloke that looked like Jason Bateman (plays a guy who gets a eeny bit weird in the film) and he was in a gay couple with someone that looked very much like the Cohen brother with the glasses. They lived in this fancy nautical Eastern Seaboard style shack thing and somewhere along the line I agreed to get married and have kids with the Jason Bateman lookalike, even though after Juno he kinda wigged me out a bit. I end up in my friend’s grandparents’ house watching some Catholic telly channel and contemplating my future. I went upstairs to the toilet and etched into the toilet roll dispenser was a map of Europe and the countries were colour-coded as to whether you could have unprotected sex and not get AIDS. Erasure (in eastern Europe) is one such city that is AIDS-free. Apparently.

I’m then in the middle of Lincoln High Street having a big procession towards my beloved Jason Bateman lookalike. I’m dressed in white, sat in a brown Laz-e-boy and on my lap is a tray of Coco-Pops and a glass of milk. Leo is weirdly cool about me marrying this gay guy.
Thankfully I then wakeup before I actually get married.

Basically Juno was a really good film I thought. I loved the visuals of the film as well as the dialogue and plot. Of course its incredibly pretentious to sit around with an unlit pipe in your mouth but if I thought I could get away with doing it, I would.
The boyfriend didn’t like it though (not a dig at you Leo, I’m justasaying), thought that Juno as a character was hard to like (I loved her) and that the film and music references were a ‘look how awesome we are with our great taste’ from the director and screen-writer. I didn’t think so, because 16-year-olds enjoy having obscure taste. Its just what they do, maybe not as a way of trying to be cool or different but just because. I know I was always searching for the next song or picture or book that would just be ‘perfect’.
Okay, ramble over, its awesome. Go see it.

In Other News: My mysterious microdermal trouble…the one I posted a picture of a few entries back, the one that was sorta hanging out? Yeah, gone back in again. I don’t know how. Maybe wearing dressings on it and having a hot shower ‘sweated’ (ew) it back in again? Maybe I’m a mutant. Not really sure what to do about it now.

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BANANARAMA

You know what is a rubbish job? Washing up spoons that have had been covered in chutney. Curry is the designated dish for Saturdays and through the culinary wizardry of mon pere we have tried all manner of curries (and by this I mean not just picking a readymade bhuna over a shitcken tikka masala). But I am not a chutney girl. Give me raita or creme fraiche mixed with harissa paste.

Chutney sticks to everything! My boyfriend, the loving Nacho is a chutney fiend and somehow manages to get it all over everything within a 5 metre radius of his plate. I am yet to work out how this happens. You may be sat there thinking ‘Pshhh, who washes up nowadays? I have a dishwasher/poorly paid ‘housekeeper’ to do that sort of mindless drudgery’. Well, I will tell you this and relish this. WE DON’T OWN A DISHWASHER! Why? Because they are crap and waste energy and water. I have seen people take washing up out of a dishwasher and it be dirty and covered in greasy smudges. I’ve seen people actually wash plates BEFORE putting them in the dishwasher. I can’t even think of an inappropriate metaphor for that concept.

If you think I am rambling about total crap it is because my brain is not located within my body at the minute. I assume its somewhere in Guam, but it needs to switch on her Blackberry (hahah, as if my brain owns a blackberry.)

What did I do yesterday at 9.30am? Scrabbled around in some tree roots for dead bugs. To put in resin. My friend Beth bought it a beetle that was nearly as big as my face (not really, it was right big though) looked a lot like scarab beetle. She thrust it into my face in a clear film cannister and I think I nearly suffered a heart attack. I learnt pest management, and can now identify a powderpost beetle at 20 paces (not really). FUN FACT: the larvae of a carpet beetle is called a ‘wooly bear’.

Oh yeah, I saw Cloverfield yesterday afternoon. OMG SPOLIERZ TEH MONSTAR:

Oh no wait, thats just Cthulhu, everyone’s favourite tentacley nuisance!

Seriously though (no wai!) Cloverfield was really good. It ends quite abruptly though, and even though it wouldn’t have fitted in with the rest of the film, it would have been awesome to see a government analysis thing after the credits, like a secret file of what exactly it was. But yeah, was good. Its a really difficult film to talk about without being spoilery about it, but it ruled because it was so creepy and tense but not in a hands-over-eyes-but-splaying-fingers-so-looking-but-not way!

Anyway, as Strongbad says:

(You know what this experience has taught me? Typing ‘teen girl squad its over’ into googles images yields a large proportion of porn. But I’m not sure why I am surprised…)

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Theres a vacancy in history

Last night BBC 2 showed The History Boys, the adaptation of the Alan Bennett play and it was, and I’m going to be deep here…very marvy.
You will learn in time that I am a massive nerd about a lot of things. History is one of them. I never found the analysis easy, but I enjoyed it, and I think it really helped to have a group of teachers in my school that made history interesting to learn and who also seemed to be on our level. I would have loved to have carried on to study history at degree level, but I’m am just not academic enough for a subject like that. I like to pour over books, but not 100% of the time.
Another reason why I liked the film. Its full of boys and I am a fully paid up member of the blokeywatch society. It is not cosmic horn, but close. If I have to chose, my favourite has to be Akhtar, played by Sacha Dhawan (who I originally saw in the 2006 Channel 4 thing Bradford Riots)
Also, I loved all the flamboyant singing, acting and arseing about speaking French that they did. I liked the way they had to challenge their ideas about history. I remember having to try and argue about Stalin’s methods of collectivisation and subsequent dekulakisation being a means unto an end in getting Russia mechanised. Which was fun, because Stalin was a complete maniac (but with a fantastic moustache).
So yeah. I go to Athens on the 7th or sometime on a university trip, very exciting. We are staying in the shadow of the Acropolis, which will be brilliant! I’ll try and take lots of fancy pictures!

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