Category Archives: funny

My blood hurts

My friend Phil leant me Tom Baker’s The Boy Who Kicked Pigs today, after realising this is the sort of thing I like. He did after all find a kindred spirit in the joys of Monkey Dust. I am maybe a 1/4 of the way through Tom Baker’s tome and it is funny in that it is grotesque but looks like its for children. I really like the illustrations as well by David Roberts, and slightly weird line illustrations always conjure up images of Quentin Blake or Ronald Searle (Searle’s illustrations for Molesworth were the subject of a post that lie in my drafts folder, because it ended up getting boring, but check out Molesworth anyway.
I then remembered something equally macabre but childlike in the form of a stumble I came across a long time ago:
The Gashlycrumb Tinies by Edward Gorey
The name, Gashlycrumb Tinies, sounds like a deranged crew of Victorian orphans to me, possibly headed by Mr. Death and his attractive headgear up there. They run amok in London in spats but no shoes and shorts before befriending the little sweet boy in the Georgian townhouse (I imagine it would be Hector, he was after all, done in by a thug in the end) and they give him that ‘other side of the tracks’ experience that so many US teen romcoms have tried to convey but I have just achieved it in a short space of time with less trite dialogue and naff music. He robs some bread and drinks in the gin house after dark and is ‘done in’ by agents of the Tinies, whose loyalties move fast and you milksops in Peter Pan collars get left behinds, suckers.
Victorian orphans and the Peadofinder General’s outfit from Monkey Dust leads me onto:
A fancy, better suited and booted version of everyone’s perenial sixth-form registration time fave: CHAINSAW THE CHILDREN! Of course, the main challenge of form-time gaming was finding a gaming site that hadn’t been banned. We used to get quite creative sometimes. Our other favorite was Weboggle and Block Frenzy.
Chainsaw the Children fell into the same category for us as Kitten Cannon…funny, weird and not something to tell everyone about. A kitten cannon-eque game that held my attention for far too long a couple of years ago was the Death Jr. Hamster Challenge (see also the Death Jr. 2 Flaming Loo Roll game) Death Jr. has the added bonus of being about kids doing reaaaalllly bad things.
So. That was long, but I think you will find it satisfying. Like a good pizza or a cheap, relatively unscathed hooker.


Filed under champion of loons, funny, nerdy

Something happy to quell my rage…

So yeah, I’m raged because despite opening a dispute file or whatever its called over those two Betamax payments, Paypal have let one go though into my bank account! Wow, good job you nutsacks. ARGHHHH!

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Filed under champion of loons, cute, funny, weep

“Hey man, thats a swede swede you’re swedings”

The big news today aka OMG I NEARLY DIED. Not.

Yep, Market Rasen is roughly 10-15 miles from Lincoln (as the crow flies).  It was fun, in a completely weird way. Woke up to the house shaking and all these weird creaky noises and bright lights and my first thought was that the military had blockaded the council estate near us Shameless/28 Days Later style. Mum was at work on a night shift and after the rumbling stopped, Dad came into my room and we had a look outside and concluded it was ‘tremors’. In fact, I was more bothered about more stuff happening as there is a bloody big birch tree right outside my window.

Feel free to shoot me down here, but GMTV’s wildly hysterical coverage of the earthquake was unbelivable. They seemed to phone interview randoms about nothing in particular. “I LIVE IN WATFORD/MANCHESTER/BIRMINGHAM BLAH BLAH BLAH AND MY TELLY FELL OFF THE WALL!!!” No it didn’t, don’t make rubbish up to get on the telly and talk with the quite frankly vacant and perpetually irritating Fiona Phillips. I live in Lincoln and all my precariously balanced crap in my room (inc. TV on rubbishy stand) stayed put. I call bull.

Fun stuff:

Brass bird ring, approx £20

That be mine! I’m rubbish at keeping rings so fingers crossed I keep this one (I might just weld it to my hand) . The listing is for an S, but the artist is shortening it for me to a K. I have a thing for bird motifs at the mo, I blame my ‘rents and all of their bird books.

Actually, talking of rings, this is a post from Modblog a week or so ago that could solve my losing rings problem:


Unlikely But True: Finger Ring Piercing – Modblog

I mean, I’m obviously far too OCD regarding germs to ever do that, but its pretty neat that she’s healed a very difficult piercing and kept it looking swanky.

Oh, and Be Kind Rewing was vair vair good. Taps in to all those childhood games of pretending you’re on telly (which is actually just a big old box with a hole in it) or trying to be allowed to play with the camcorder (never happened).

As you’ve seen from the trailer, the remake films are ‘sweded’ versions. This made me laugh like the drain because when some Swedish exchange student that our mates were paired with came to our school, we took to changing all adjectives and nouns to ‘swede’ (see title of post). It was infinitely hilarious to us and the (actual) Swedes.




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Filed under body modification, celluloid, champion of loons, craft, cute, fancy stuff, funny, handmade, trinkets

Who is Old Gregg

I’m Old Gregg.



Filed under champion of loons, funny, handmade, mine- all mine, photos

I’m gonna eat y’all

Hey, hey…guys. You want to see something not fun? Yeah, I thought so too…

That, my fine friends, is my microdermal attempting to escape from my body. B’stard. That bit of titanium is meant to be sealed inside my body, as there is a hole on that plate that should be holding it there. It isn’t, and it sucks. Its also not meant to be tilting like that!

As for the gunk, its often known as ‘crusties’ (haha eurgh). Its most common around healing piercings, but healed ones get them sometimes too. I think my gunk might also be a bit of dead skin. Which is natural enough, look at house…covered in dead skin. Anyway. Whilst Leo has been applying a combo of sea salt soaks and hot compresses to the area, it refuses to shift. It shifts itself I find after a few days (the warmth of a shower helps loosen it) . At the mo, we’re reluctant to take a damp cotton bud to them (to help shift gunk) just in case they become even worse/explode.

My skin doesn’t normally look like that (like a freshly plucked chicken, ha) its just that I’m mildly allergic to Micropore tape and sticking plasters in that area. The only ones that like me are the self adhesive dressings, which I’ve ran out of.

I’m sending this and other pics of both sets of microdermals to my piercers and see what they say. I’m scared!

Now: Emailing and baking. I’m also working on an Old Gregg costume for a party tomorrow. Pictures promised, if I don’t get stabbed by chavs or mauled by wannabe uni-bound Russell Brands.

Things are still unpredictable family wise at the mo.

P.S! Leo took me on a surprise trip to see Jon Richardson at the uni comedy night after treating me to din-dins. It was vair amusant, but Leo ended up being compared by him to Louis Theroux, and I ended up being some weight-nazi. Funtimes all round!


Filed under body modification, champion of loons, funny, weep

And the Australians are all like ‘WTF mate’

“Have you seen cool infant jewelry lately that matches your tastes in modern decor and aesthetics?”

No, because that is the silliest thing I have ever read. But according to an article on, modern style jewellery for babies and toddlers is de rigeur.

What total bullshit. Okay, so I had one of those expandable silver bracelets as a baby, but I never actually wore it, because I was a child and therefore only interested in shiny things if they contained sweets. I didn’t give a crap if the kid in the pushchair in front of me had better bling than me.

Okay, so maybe a funky wooden/felt bracelet (from sustainable sources/handmade) would be quite groovy for a toddler (and chunky enough so they don’t shove it in their mouths) but I have seen silver baby bracelets for nearly $100/£50. Really, what is the point in that? Have money, will buy shit.

I honestly think some people see their children as accessories to dress and style as mini versions of themselves. Which is weird as hell.

Also, whole different kettle of fish with the whole ‘pierced kids’ thing. I understand that pierced ears on children (and by that I mean children not old enough to articulate that they want their ears pierced) is a cultural thing in certain areas, but I don’t think that makes it OK. I see so many snotty kids with their Mums at work, sporting awful giant gold hoops and crap.

Inevitably, those kids will have been pierced by some nearly braindead shop assistant using an unsterile piercing gun. For like £3 per ear.

If I ever have children, I would love for them to develop some interest in body modification like their mo and po. But, this won’t extend to forcing them to have their ears pierced as young children. If they start asking for it, I’d ask around proper piercing studios but most UK piercing studios won’t pierce the ears of anyone younger than 10/13, even with parental consent. Makes me wonder if I would then get some appropriately sized sterile needles, titanium labret studs and do it myself? (Or let them do it to each other?)

But I would probably get arrested on grounds of child abuse.

Oh, actually where I found that crap about baby jewellery was They also have a brilliant section titled ‘Unprotected Sex’ which is essentially a collection of blog posts and news items about people who are unaware of condoms/pills/not having sex with everybody. Brilliantly enough, most of the articles at the minute are focused on Jamie Lynn Spears and her ‘baby daddy’, who got herself fantastically up ze duff at 16. I think I’m Bringing Blogging Back makes the vair amusant point of “If Britney completely loses her kids perhaps she call her kid sister to hook her up with some new ones, as Jamie Lynn Spears appears to be a baby making machine”.

Now, I’m a liberal type (normally people who say that then say ‘but you should demolish abortion clinics and shoot the doctors’, similar to the way people go, “I’m not racist but…” but trust me, I’m not going do that, it was just a good way to start the sentence…where was I?), so I’m no way suggesting that girls that whip off their knickers before they’ve sat their GCSEs should have their babies adopted and be shunned by society, but I wonder why no one is using contraception nowadays. 4lbs weight gain or an entire mountain of baby weight (and the bodily fluid ejecting baby, of course) because you didn’t take the pill? ‘it jus dun feel so gud’ or 8 kids just because you’re too lazy to open a condom packet?
Maybe Jamie Lynn Spears really wanted a child and planned this, but I doubt it.

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Filed under body modification, champion of loons, funny, other people, trinkets

You can talk to the friendly pigeon

“How to Tell if a Relationship is Over in 90 Seconds”

Just something quick and cheery because I have spent literally every waking hour of the past few days at work and as the great Dylan Moran once said…my brain is falling out of my ears like wet cake. Working in retail at Xmas is guaranteed to suck any Xmas spirit out of you.

P.S I had an epiphany on Thursday night. I now love Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis, even though I know I should keep up the pretence (ahaha) that I am cool (ahahaha) to all you internetz people. But then again, isn’t it like ubers-kool to like pop music at the mo? Who knows, what does NME dictate to us now?

P.P.S I got in v. late on Thursday night and my Mum asked my half alseep Dad whether or not the person falling over their shoes in the hallway was their beloved only offspring, i.e. me. My Dad simply replied “I don’t know, ask the friendly pigeon”. Cue lots of incredibly funny pigeon related jokes including a sign advertising the friendly pigeon’s services. I wonder if I could make a lonely hearts ad about a friendly pigeon not sound like I’m taking the piss and get it published?

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Filed under funny